August, Shame Stories, & Confronting what we Want
Historically, August has been a tricky time of year for me. It’s the time of vacations and temporary work slow downs as we rush to soak up those final days of summer. For many of us, it’s the time we long for when the end of year rush begins and we’re sprinting from September to the holidays. We have time to unplug, relax with loved ones, read the books we’ve been meaning to, and take naps. However, it’s in the midst of doing the things we’ve longed to be doing that it becomes harder to ignore what we really want, what life might be like if we made the changes that we’ve been dreaming of.
It was a year ago around this time that I stood on a beach and felt deep in my bones that I wanted more of this. Of course life can’t always be what it is on vacation. But in this case the “this” was feeling fully present, not dreading the feeling of returning to work, having conversations where my thoughts did not drift to what emails I was missing. I wanted to be doing something that I was excited to return to, not escaping from temporarily.
I’d felt all of those things before but hadn’t felt ready to confront the things that leaning into what you want requires. The fear of what others might think of you, what you might lose if you do something different, whether or not you believe in yourself. In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” professor and researcher Brene Brown writes about this fear and gives it a name: shame. Brown writes:
“Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring.”
If you are having an “August moment” where you are confronted with the reality of what you want and experiencing the shame of what might happen if you go for it, whether or not you are deserving, or any of the associated emotions, I invite you to consider one of Brown’s research driven methods for cultivating what she calls “shame resilience.” She contends that shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. If we are able to name shame and share the stories we’re telling ourselves with people we trust, shame begins to lose its grip on us. Brown encourages us to ask: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” before practicing the shame resilience strategy of sharing. She believes that we only need one person in our lives to act as our “story catcher” and acknowledge our worthiness.
A lot of what I do with my clients is hold the space for them to share their story and, in the process, to loosen the grip that shame and fear have on their dreams and goals. It has become the work that I feel energized to return to when I’m on vacation. I’m lucky to have several “story catchers” in my life that have listened and held the space for my stories while reminding me of my own worthiness.
As we turn the page on August and another summer, I invite you to reflect on a few questions:
What do you want more of in your life that you have experienced this summer?
What shame stories and fears are getting in the way of going after that?
Who in your life has earned the right to act as one of your story catchers?
